Wedding Dress, Fatherless

Of course she believes in God…she had believed in Him her whole life. It was in the early years of Sunday school, when learning about Him was fun songs with crazy hand and feet motions - treats for memorizing the weeks bible verse and cool cartoons that brought to life favorite biblical characters and stories, that the seed was sown. She was written in the book of life sometime in the summer of ’90 at Bible camp. In her early teen years and throughout high school her faith sharpened and became more focused. She sponsored prayer walks, went on youth group missions trips, led drives to feed the hungry and even volunteered every Sunday to teach the little boys and girls the beauty of the Holy Trinity with the same kind of passion and creativity she cherished from her youth. When it was time for college, it was off to a prestigious and challenging Bible school, where…although she wasn’t exactly sure, but praying about it, She had faith that God would direct her as to what she was suppose to spend her life doing.
She dove right in…more missions trips, more volunteering, learning and loving the many perspectives on God she was being taught. She made a lot of friends…she was very well liked, the four years were going by joyfully. In the summer, just before senior year she had spent a whole two month’s over vacation working with a missions team dedicated to bringing the gospel to the youth in desolate areas of the U.K. She enjoyed it very much and really felt that God was speaking to her more than ever in those months. She prayed, and as it turned out, the directors, sensing her obvious spiritual gifts, offered her a job upon completion of her final year in school. Elated she went back to her Bible college with even more zeal than ever before. God was working in her life…giving her passion and purpose, everything she’d ever prayed for, everything and a little more.
For God had yet another gift to give to her….
Something that she hadn’t asked for or thought about in years…
The one desire that she successfully, for a time buried and tried to forget…
It was that of a HUSBAND.
He was Prince Charming...but, not so from first impressions (he and her got into a little tiff over the great post trib/pre trib debate...and he being a Bible Theo major presented himself a little too arrogant for her liking), but the young man made up for it (he prayed that God would help him work on his humility...his professor mentioned in a lecture once that it was one of the key essentials of being an effective minister :) and over the course of the school years they developed a passing friendship. When the boy found out that she was going away for two months in the summer before their senior year, he had mentioned that he would like to write and keep in touch from time to time. So, it was all innocent at first...at first...but God and His plans. Before she knew it the young woman really looked forward to receiving his letters. She reasoned the glee as being a simple pleasure in hearing from someone back home...but more and more it became about him and the things that he would share about himself and the work he was doing and how he was growing (he stayed back to work with inner city kids). The Young man also enjoyed writing and receiving, and it soon popped into his head before hers (don't these things always seem to go that way) that her hand would be the one he ask God for. A plan was hatched...and as he courted her, there were many sleepless nights, money spent on flowers and cards, the seeking of strong biblical counsel ( his "best" buddies were Bible Theo majors as well...a very spiritually well informed bunch...even if they still sought joy in doing the most juvenile of pranks like midnight swirly raids...and leaned toward advising the young man heavily to pop the question...because, if for any reason, they could have the collective pleasure of seeing their bud tied up to a pole in the middle of the night and terrorized with shaving cream), praying, fasting, first kisses...and finding a job to buy a somewhat descent ring ( Cracker Jacks down-graded to stickers....CHEAP JERKS!!!). When he was sure that God had meant it to be, he popped the question one early spring evening. These were the words he spoke on bended knee:
Oh Beauty that stands before me
I am not as free alone
as I am with thee
won't you please take my hand
and complete me.

OF COURSE SHE SAID YES!
Now, because she had already thought she had plans this devoted woman prayed to God and was affirmed that He was telling her to "GO WITH THE MAN". So it was all set. They were in love...the church was picked, the hall was reserved, the band booked ( the "Twisted Babies" were a friend of a friend's brother's band that inspired to be a successful thrash metal group - but would sell out here and there every once and while to make a few extra bucks. The young man and woman both heard the demo tape and thought they were actually quite good, and most importantly inexpensive). 6 month's they had to go to marriage counseling, in which a Godly and upright elderly couple seemed to them do their best to try and shock the idea of marriage out of their system. But, truthfully it was all in love...the older folks just wanted the younger folks to realize that life won't all be perfume and roses when they step off that plane from the honeymoon. The young couple prayed and fasted even more (especially the young man...he could get his 350 bucks back for the ring if the whole thing was called off within the next 45 days). But, God was faithful and showed that He truly wanted this union and the young man and woman were on their way. A question in simple passing was asked by the elderly gent on his way out the door to the young woman at the ending of their final meeting while he was waiting for his wife to get on her coat and hat:
"My dear, your father must be so very proud to give such a beautiful bride away?"
She quickly responded to the old gent with a bit of a faux smile; "um...well no I guess...see my father left us when I was young...so I have none"
The elderly wife was done getting her coat and hat...and that was that.
She thought about that question for a second, but knew that wasn't a door she wanted opened so she SLAMMED IT SHUT AGAIN! Nailed it, boarded it up, criss crossed caution tape along the edges, put a loud siren by the door handle, installed an electrical fence and dug a moat and placed within 13 hungry alligators. She buried herself in wedding plans and all other demands...and everything was ok again.

WEDDING DAY

The young woman looked so beautiful. Her hair was done right, her makeup was perfect, the shoes were cute...she had lost a little weight (even though she didn't need to, it was probably more stress related than anything else.) and the dress was perfect. Pure white, silk, with flowered lace patterns along the hem and a long flowing train. Bridesmaids came and went, touching moments with mom and little sister, friends and other family stuck theirheads in to catch a glimpse of the young woman in the dawn of her of the coming event. But all those had come and gone and it was 1:55. at exactly 2:00 she was to make her entrance into the chapel...that was what the program said, and everybody had one...so she wasn't going to have them mislead. With five minutes of nothing to do but hang out...that's just what she did. Seemed like forever those five minutes, she was just so excited and nervous. If those were butterflies fluttering around in her belly they must have been having a family reunion. she was getting so anxious that she began to pray...because remember, she loves God.
"Dear God..."
a voice interrupted whose tone was soft but firm, "FATHER"
the young woman looked up for a second before she let out a chuckle.
"I'm so nervous I must be hearing things...hmmm, go figure.
Dear God..."
"FATHER"
That voice again, this time the young woman was sure she heard it. Was someone trying to play a joke on her...because it wasn't very funny, and who of the people she knew would do a thing like that? No, she must be hearing things....pre-marriage jitters.
"Dear God...."
"Why have you never called me FATHER?" the quiet voiced asked.
"What...I have no father, my father ran out on me when i was six. Who is this? What you are doing isn’t funny!"
"Mary, you have called upon me a great many times in your young life. You have shown that you love my Son and have used with passion the Spirit I have given to you, You have been a good servant...but never have you affectionately with your lips called me Father."
"What are you talking about…?“ Mary snapped back.
“My father left me on the front steps crying after I begged him not to go. I watched as the dust clouds said his good bye’s for him and cried in the center of his streaking tire tracks. And you know what…I didn’t know it then but that was a good day…that was the day I was finally set free. Yea, If I could go back and tell that girl just how good she now had it…no more being called a “nothing”, no more reaching out with love and wanting him to just hold her like a little girl should be held and getting cold empty responses…no more days of hearing Mom cry herself to sleep over some cruel thing he said to her. Yea, I have no father…and I’m a better woman for it!”
“Mary…you have bottled up pain and bitterness. For years I have been knocking. I know you’re hurting, please stop pushing me away.”
Defiantly Mary spoke “I’m fine.”
“Mary…I KNOW YOU, I know your hurts and I know that the time for healing is upon you.”
“I’m fine I tell you…please leave me alone! Haven’t I been obedient? Haven’t I served you to the best of my ability…why then treat me like this on my most important of days - Why be so cruel?
“Mary, I do not wish to hurt you. I only wish for you to be free of these shackles that weigh your heart down…I wish for you to know that I, the Father love you. Yes, my daughter I created YOU specifically and have watched over YOU from birth. YOUR joys and sorrows I have been in, and I’ve waited for YOU patiently to accept my embrace. But you ran and buried…locked and threw away…thinking your hurts and shames will just simply pass. But I know what’s been on your heart as of late…the wounds that you have tried to bury for so long are calling out to you. Your old silencing tricks are not working, everything is getting louder. I want you to run to me, instead of away…your soul is getting tired my dear from the fight. Please come and rest easy in my embrace.”
It was a long back and forth battle in Mary’s heart. The more she defended her ways the less she began to believe in them and God, the Father listened with patience and understanding waiting for the well of excuses to dry. Memory after painful memory, thought after painful thought hit like a tsunami in her soul. The door that was so securely nailed and boarded up was giving way, the siren and electrical fence was losing power, the alligators were full and un-motivated.
The day had come…
The day had come indeed.
More time had gone by. All that had seemed bright once was nothing.
Mary lay hunched over the edge of her bed a complete mess. Her make-up smeared, her hair all tangled, dress wrinkled and tear stained. What was she going to do now? She was sure it had been way past 5 minutes, someone was bound to come looking for her and stumble upon this fleshly heap of wreck. Then she started to wonder; “why has know one come looking for me…?” And that’s when the demon of self-worth crept into her consciousness yet again…
“Because know one really loves you…
Because it’s not about you, you pitiful fool…
You think a little make-up and a nice dress could cover up such filth?

Mary listened attentively to all those words as they poured in.

“Marriage…ha” the demon laughed.
“what man is ever going to want you. He was just feeling sorry for you. Your father didn’t want you. He was smart! When he could longer stomach your worthlessness he took off . Just like Ryan will…it will all be just a matter of time before he comes to realize that it was just a mistake. And he will leave you alone…cause nobody wants yo…

“ENOUGH DEMON!” came a loud boom from out of the darkness that halted the demons lies.
The demon screeched in a matter that suggested pain at the very sound of this voice.”
“You…You…You!!!” the demon screeched some more.
“Why are you here…she is mine. She is mine!”
“She is not YOURS!” boomed the voice once again.
“She is MINE!!! Go back to which you came or I will destroy you here and now!”
“Yes…yes” the demon hissed as he slowly slithered away from Mary.

And then more silence.

The touch seemed so soft, firm and warm upon Mary’s shoulder. She knew whose hand it belonged to but was too ashamed to look up.
The voice, yet again gentley spoke; “Mary, I love you.”
She did not move.
“Mary, I love you.”
Still motionless.
“When George left you full of tears, and even before...and in the ever since, I have loved you dearly. You are my precious child that I HAVE NEVER FORAKEN! Though you have been lonely, you have never been alone. I have been watching and waiting for the time to reveal my plans to you. For you to acknowledge your pains and hurts and run to me so that you may gain understanding and strength to move forward as MY CHILD. The time is now at hand…will you come now?”
Mary could sense the out-stretched hand close to her. And as she pondered her decision, crying was heard through the ears of the heart. She recognized it…they were hers, but not of present day. With the eyes of the heart, she saw that of a young girl of about 6 was lying in the middle of a dirt road with a scraped, bloody knee from running so hard and falling on the concrete. Her tears were not from the fall…they had come because she was frustrated with herself for having legs too little and slow to catch dad.

Her thoughts focused on something she had said earlier; “I watched as the dust clouds said his good bye’s for him and cried in the center of his streaking tire tracks. And you know what…I didn’t know it then, but that was a good day…that was a day I was finally free.”
Now she realized that statement was wrong. Everything she had done to erase that moment was wrong. Here was a real shot at redemption…not to forget, but to move forward and to finally live a life in a house without any closed off rooms. “All this could hurt a little more”, she thought to herself…but a foundation of strength and courage was mounting as the soul began to TRUELY trust.
She looked up and the darkness was never…
The sunlight poured in streams…
She took His hand…
“Father, here I am”

They say there had never been a more perfect day to be wed. Ryan, the handsome groom, looked both joyful and nervous as he waited to take the hand of his bride at their threshold. When the music began to play, all those in attendance stood up, Mary followed the path of rose pedals - rays of sun beams shot down through the stain glass windows. She looked as splendid and felt as happy as anything ever created ever was in her wedding dress…
No longer FATHERLESS.