ATHENA MARIE: A DECADE OF HITS 2001-2011 The First Ten :)

That girl just grows so fast!

Slow…no, but oh how I wish

because I love her so.

Never does a father want

to see his little girl go.



0 - 2

The outside world

was cold and gray

on the day you came.

But the light and warmth

in our hearts

from the new soul

placed in our care

was more than enough for

all to share.



I marveled those first months

at everything new.

Took so much pride in the

things you learned to do.

Learning to walk

now that was fun

but soon you had us

on the run.

Your climbing skills

Put me to shame

quickly I knew

It was time to put down the

video games.

Lock everything up

place everything high.

No telling what this girl will get into

when her limit is the sky.



2-5

What terrible two’s?

Haha…so young for that kind

of attitude.

But mostly sugar

and turning into quite the looker

with a smile that turned

a bad day fine.

Yep, so happy to call you

mine.



Endless summers running and swinging

at the park.

Spending evenings watching movies

and making shadow puppets in the dark.

Nope, back in those days

I don’t think I was ever “me”

more like a tickle monster or pony.

‘It’s the little things…”

I often hear people say.

Well, I’ve learned that on my own

IN A VERY BIG WAY!!! :)



Hair, hair…

LOTS of hair!!!

On the days I was rushing to

get you somewhere

it just didn’t seem fair.

But somehow we made it through

(with the help of a little duct tape & crazy glue ;)





5-9

Well, she’s off to her first day of school.

Her new backpack and cute little shoes.

Another day of new beginnings

it’s becoming clearer that these

will be never ending.

She makes a friend and then another

they’re talking up a storm

Oh brother!!! :)



“Daddy I need a new hat

I need new boots

I think I want to play the

flute.

No…I think I want to

dance and sing.

Please, just sign the form

I WANT TO TRY EVERYTHING!!!



I would like a bike to learn to ride

I can’t forever stay by your side.

Daddy, I would like to walk to school

on my own

but stay right here so that when I look back

I know you are near.”



10….

That girl just grows so fast.

Slow…no, but oh how I wish

Because I love her so.

Never does a father want

to see his little girl go.



Come springtime all flowers blossom

and the leaves on a tree come to be.

When I watch you, my lovely child… sleeping

I think of these.

For what a shame

If the good Lord kept such beauty

away from me.



Slow…no.

But daddies don’t ever have to

really let go.

When you look back

You’ll know that I am near.

Sharing is the key

so, hello world…this is my daughter

the BEAUTIFUL MISS



ATHENA MARIE!!! :)

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A Walk In Autumn

In a quiet way she speaks…

“You know dead is beautiful

this time of year?”

Her words, while never meaningless

puzzle me often.

and if we weren’t lovers

not soul companions

just strangers passing.

I, with an open ear would have thought

her mind strange.

Her prose foolish and preposterous.

Chuckling gentlemanly to myself

I’d make a note to remember

for such an offbeat lyric would most certainly

make me king of conversation

at evening debauchery

amongst the paupers of intellect.



But I do know this woman

much as a lover

ever more deeply as my friend.

Our walks go as such from time to time

where two uncommon souls bond

over the serenity of leaves falling

sweet smells of fresh baked honey bread

and steamed cinnamon cider.

The laugh of the wind

that will be fiercely howling

soon enough

makes us comfortable today

as we go about wearing out

our soles.



It is ever a wonder

how an overcast sky could

bring so many out

not to dampen

but uplift the spirit.

Nice speech from Heaven

that convinces one can be immersed

in the deep spiritual waters of love, peace and tranquility

without the benefit of a showering sun.



“Don’t you know dead is beautiful this time of year?”

Is a difficult statement to process.

Have the words been simply, unpretentiously framed?

Or is this the best in a mornings

first moments of observation upon a new day

that breaths itself through an open window?



Does it truly matter?



Not so much when the real wonder

is in everything about her and all that is around.

To hang on words is not as meaningful

as the act of being there

holding her hand and seeing

how kids playing in what falls from trees

conjures up the prettiest

smile.



On these, our poor man’s adventures

not too much is really ever spoken.

We are students framed

in this lecture of wonderful

poetry and there are so many

words and phrases

we wish not lost in repetition.

But as the moonlight has no fight

and true darkness begins to prevail

I am asked, in voice of loud whisper

“Will I write?” and

“What will it be called?”



As yet,

much inspiration derived

from the peace that has surrounded me

and the beauty of the company that

has kept me has already stirred the

pen to paper in the mind.

As my first idea

because everything has been for me

about harnessing and loving

the slowness of being alive

simplicity has overwhelmed the ego

so I shall call it…



A WALK IN AUTUMN.

That's A Cosby Sweater (Rough)

She calls me in so frequently to sit and watch the show with her that after a while I give up trying to convince her that I’ve seen every episode at least 15 times (even a few episodes in Spanish just for the heck of it) and settle down for a 16th. This particular one is my favorite. It’s when Cosby, excuse me…Dr. Huxtable surprises his parents with a truly unique anniversary gift of having the kids dress up and lip synch to a Ray Charles tune. I already start laughing in anticipation as Rudy’s passionate “Baby” refrain part is about to come. Athena just eats it up, heck we both do…turns out that 16 times is not enough to dull the senses. Apparently, there was some kind of marathon going on and Luvbug and I sat there laughing and having a good time. In the end I think it was too much side-splitting hysterical stimulation for her to deal with because she was out cold sometime in between the carribean themed intro and the “that’s the best elevator music I’ve ever heard” intro. But I sat, watched and laughed (not as loudly as before of course) reminiscing about the days when brother, mother and I use to watch the show huddled together around my mother’s bed in our tiny little apartment. I remembered thinking/wishing, as a lot of kids did I’ve come to find out, that Dr. Huxtable was my dad. Yes, I would fit in perfectly as the second and more handsome son. I wouldn’t cause half the trouble Theo did with all his crazy shenanigans. I was a pretty good student and didn’t eat much or take up too much space (anybody else notice that Theo has an extra bed in his room?). Yep, I “use” to think about that in my real young days of watching the show…but towards the end of its run those fantasies faded as is the norm with something like that. However, something else took form…perhaps, an evolution of thinking in shifting or adjusting the fantasy to reality. The later years of the show, while it still made me laugh as much as ever before, kind of became like a “how to” guide on being an impactful dad. I watched and carefully took note at how Dr. Huxtable loved his wife, how he let it be known by words and actions that his family was most important to them. When his kids screwed up he was a stern force, but not a patronizing one and reassured them that nothing could separate them from his love. He had lessens to teach and encouragement to dish out. In turn he had the respect and adoration of his wife and his kids grew up confident and secure. You might be thinking, Perry….it was just a t.v. show! I’m not arguing that on the “big picture” scale of things, but earlier I wrote that I use to watch the show with my brother and mother. There was no man in the home…or really around. So it was like a blueprint for me or sorta like a social science class every Thursday for a half an hour…





ABOUT A GIRL

There she was. After nine really strange, exciting, confusing, terrifying and hope-filled months my little girl was there in my arms staring up at me, partially. She was probably wondering who the heck I was and hoping that the trauma of the last hour was finally over. She had gone from the comforts and safety of the womb to this bright and noisy world. It isn’t a wonder why she was a few days late. I would have soaked up every last bit of that myself. But, well there she was. I fell in love instantly…but in the following months she made it perfectly clear that I was going to have to win her over. That her love was something I was going to have to fight for. If Dr. Huxtable had taught on something like this, then I must have been sick or played hooky on that particular day. Man, did she make it clear that if she had to be here she wanted to hang with the pretty one – the one that was soft, smelled nice and talked sweetly. She could care less that I was the one that actually wanted a girl! But, I finally won her over…at least I think I did, with shear patience and prayer.

The years are coming faster and faster. My little one is not so little at all, as a matter of fact she hasn’t been little for about 3 years and that’s saying something considering that she still is only 9. It can be sad to look upon her sleeping face to notice after a few months that she’s going to need a bigger bed – that cloths you bought her just a few months ago pretty soon need to be packed up and shipped to goodwill or someplace. You start a school year and in a blink of an eye it’s over - rinse and repeat. I don’t know how she got so old so fast, I mean I’m still pretty young, seems to me she should slow down, take a minute to breath and not be in such a hurry. But that’s wishful thinking on a Father’s part, she’s definitely a girl with places to go. I guess as her dad, learning to accept that and make the proper adjustments is a difficult task, but one that is coming about slowly. It’s very clear that my little girl wants to be something! She wants to dream and feel free to discover what this life has for her. When she talks to me about her plans sometimes it all seems so as-a-matter-of-factly. Of course dad I can be a veterinarian/ famous pops-star/teacher/volleyball or soccer player…it will be easy. As she makes all these big plans I sometimes wonder/worry how I am going to help her adjust to her failures...to dreams that don’t come true or better yet in the words of Steely Dan, moments “when the weekend at the college didn’t go as you planned”. Yes, I fear for that. Not wanting her to ever feel the sting of rejection or face the anguish of doubt. I fear/worry…but then I pray and realize that God does have a special reason why she’s here. That life is life and the ups and downs bring about character and strength. That the most beautiful and surprisingly wonderful things can rise from the ashes of disappointments and worst case scenarios is no accident, but clever design. My job, in a nutshell is to be there for her…to help guide her as best I can…to let her know that I believe in her and to encourage her in the dreams she has. The right one will weed itself out at the perfect moment. I just love the look she gets when the wheels are turning and I’m so very grateful that my little girl knows that she is loved by me and that I’m right by her side.

Athena:

…And she’s laughing so loud

running up and down the field

as the little boy stops to catch his breath

“boy, she’s quick! She aint ever gonna be it!”

I smile at his weezing words with a bit of pride…”I tell you what, tag me and I’ll do it.”

Here I go…she sees me coming for her

and waits

and waits

and wouldn’t you know it…this girl has the nerve to give ME a pump fake!

There she goes

fast like I never was

freestylin’ hair, flowing

long legs burning the grass

in her black and silver glitter Reeboks.

Chasing her down I remember when

we just wanted her to stand

but she started to run before she could walk

there she goes...

Yelling into the wind, “Catch me if you can Daddy!”

And I do

but as the years go by

it gets harder and harder to.

One day she will run and run and run

until a precious daughter’s shadow fades with the sun.

But holding back the tears, I’m thankful that all that is a long ways away

for I refuse to give in to the pump fake today.






BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BOY

It was such a hot day and Soldier Field was so crowded. The sun seemed to have a tractor beam targeted right on my seat. With my dark skin I was baking and yet I was having a great time. The event that I was there for that particular day wasn’t for sports or music per se. It was for this thing called “Promise Keepers”. A gathering of men young and old with goals I would say, to help guys reclaim/continue or start a passion for being Christ-centered, Godly leaders of their homes and of the world around them. It was, if memory serves me correct a three day event. I had a blast! At 15 I was really feeling like I was coming into my own as a young man. Arrogantly, although not really realizing it at the time, I had felt I had put a lot of hurts and pains behind me. The stings of my own fatherless life (fatherless, not so much technically – he was “around”) I was sure had been buried. I mean a man that had no time for me I certainly had adapted the mutual response. Very “Cats and the Cradle” without the infectious melodic hook and multi-million dollar result J. The idea was to move forward and I was destined/determined to. This event, along with other circumstances in my life was very encouraging. I observed older men laugh and cry. Powerful speakers gave riveting messages on the power of forgiveness, the importance of family and the impact of being a man in today’s world. Yes, I will repeat that I was having an awe inspiring wonderful time. Then it happened. On the last day one of the speakers had asked all the fathers to stand along with their boys’. He asked the fathers to put their hands on their sons’ shoulders and to pray for them. Now, I don’t know how many people Soldier Field holds but as everyone started to get up I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there. I had no idea that it was going to be so emotional for me…I mean by that time I was used to that feeling. I had accepted it and adjusted right? I thought myself, “well Perry you can use this time to pray for your future boy and just chill until this all over – this moment isn’t really about you because you don’t have a connection that’s required to participate.” For a second I thought that was a noble stand to take – that is, being about the future/present and washing away the bad things of the past. But then, a man, to this day I still don’t know who it was put his hand on my shoulder and then another and another. Suddenly, I felt something heavy and for some reason I decided to look up and it was so quiet – with all those men, who a few minutes ago had been so boisterously singing and laughing it was really odd. It seemed like everyone was standing and the whole Soldier Field crowd had noticed the black kid sitting down. I thought my image was going to be put on the Jumbotron and one of the speakers was going to shout out load; “Perry Diggs, WHY ARE YOU SITTING – WHERE IS YOUR DADDY? WE ALL HAVE ONE – WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU THAT HE’S NOT HERE TO PRAY OVER YOU, TO CARE FOR YOU, TO TEACH YOU ALL THE THINGS A YOUNG MAN SHOULD KNOW? YOU MUST PLEASE LEAVE AND DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU ARE LIKE ONE OF US.” Crazy thought I know, but never had I ever felt so lonely and I just, well I started to cry…not cool for a 15yr. old I know.

But that’s just it. What is cool what is not cool? What does a boy know of anything if he doesn’t have someone to show him the way? Fatherless Men can and have done wonderful things without that hand on the shoulder, that nudge in the back to go beyond, that smile of encouragement and assurance that the earthly father given to them will have their back no matter what. I do not blame anything…failures or disappointment on the idea that pops wasn’t around. But, in the quietest moments I must admit that even at almost 31 I do wish that it wasn’t so. How nice it would have been to see someone at the head of a dinner table, to come knocking on my door and ask if I wanted to go and chill, to keep me up me up at night because he wanted my company watching a late night game and making me promise not to tell mother (although of course he would). What exactly does it feel like to hear the sound of my fastball popping his mitt and him reacting like I just thrown the hardest pitch he’d ever caught. Heck, like many times in the Cosby show I often wondered what it would be like to get a stern talking to after doing something totally stupid and irresponsible, but then to have him calm down and explain to me what exactly I needed to learn from what all went down. Sounds crazy, but I feel it truly is what every boy wants and what every man remembers if they were lucky enough to experience it or misses if they are like me.

I thought I’d know everything just by simply not being like him. That I’d find and win over a beauty and just automatically know how to treat her and she would be so grateful to me because of my extreme awesomeness. That my kids would be so happy that I was the greatest dad on earth that they wouldn’t get in to any trouble at school and obey 100 percent all the time. I could look into my mind at my own pops and arrogantly shrug and think, “see this isn’t so hard, loser.” Alas, though…it is hard. Love, parenting…all of it under the blanket of life is very tough. I am humbled dramatically every day…but I feel the better for it. Like a banana, I feel that God shed’s the peel to reveal the real me…my substance. Fathers’ and sons’, what a heavenly dynamic. There is lots that could be said and not said. So much that I’m still working out. I have enclosed the following link to a clip from another “Dad” show I love called the "Wonder Years". I think this powerfully gets across something to me. If you care to watch It I hope it also says something to you.







A COSBY SWEATER

His sweaters really were atrocious. I sometimes wonder if they were from his own collection because I can’t fathom a designer in charge of that stuff really allowing that to be broadcast out to the masses. Funny enough though, Athena from time to time will comment on my lack of dress style. Being a future fashion mogul (I forgot to add that on to the list earlier), She likes it when I wear ties and wishes I did it more often. As I watch the last episode of the show I am once again moved at how special this program was. I can’t help but hope that when it’s all said and done, I’d have more than just a bad sense of dress in common with Dr. Huxtable.

When Thirty Was Old

I’ve had thoughts about life
and its marriage to seasons.
How a boy is consummated
in the warm embrace of young lovers
winters rebellion
and earthed
in summer suns
unwavering fury.
How he grows and blossoms
like the leaves on a tree
and the flowers in a garden
come spring time.
And when autumn dumps all
its colors unto concrete sidewalks
in that childhood of
first steps…
It seems like memories
too vast to remember
how it all unfolds…
in the time
when thirty was old.

I’ve had thoughts about life
in those moments before eyes
knew what they were perceiving.
How freedom at its best and most simple
was about nothing more
than rows of swing sets
for which to fly
and open fields of green grass
for which to run seemingly
into the never-ending.
How the smells of charcoal burning
use to blend itself oh so perfectly
to that of the sounds of laughter
and grooves.
Family and friends…
pictures never fleeting.

I’ve questioned the way of love
the gift and its givers.
Where from fathers, mothers or
others.
How it is born from
speech, a gaze
first touch of soft skin.
Inspiration drawn from outside
to settle deep within.
It always takes two and then
that multiplies...
Oh, how she was enchanting
at first look into her
little crying eyes.
Yes…true love
An undertaking of the foolishly bold.

I’ve been told by the wisest I’ve known
that life is racing
and we run until we no longer can do it
anymore.
For those that are lucky
hairs that have gone and grayed
bones that are tired and frail
will let the soul know that it’s time
to go home.
But let one last slow ride
down that river remembrance
take me back to those chapters
in a story meant to be told...
of the days
when thirty was old.

The Morning Sun...A.K.A Waiting On Athena

The morning sun...
awe, that morning sun.
The morning sun has got those clouds to shake
before my baby wakes.

The morning sun...
awe, that morning sun.
The morning sun must dry the dew
before my little ones feet walk through.

The morning sun
has come along
with a song it wants my
precious to join in on.

The morning sun
has reached full glory
and is waiting on Luvbug to begin
another page in her story.

The morning sun...
awe, that morning sun.
It shouts with rays through
opened window shades
"Get up, I'm here to stay!"

But my love just sinks deeper beneath
the blankets and mutters

"go away...don't you know it's SATURDAY!!!!"

Being About A Troubadour

Homeless in every way
‘cept for in my soul.
Taking the long journey to
Nowhere.
With a battered up ‘ol guitar
And a song as endless
As the open highway
I search for something
I‘m sure I’ve found a thousand times
…yet still I’m restless
And unsatisfied.
So I’ll
Hitch a ride.

One day you will hear the
Noise from a slow moving train
And catch a glimpse of me
leaning against
An open rail car
And my dawns light stretched silhouette
Will say its goodbye as long as it can
As I settle on being about a troubadour.

Out from the hills
I seemingly will appear
like a prophet
Made up from the dust
To come and strum along
Your streets.
But please don’t put faith
In what I say…
Truly there is much more for me
To learn from you.
So lets be friends.

My way would seem fascinating
A journey one sees in dreams
yet suitcases stay un-packed.
Freedom is different for every heart
Night and day.
Don’t fantasize
Because I run and you all
Choose to stay.
Enjoy the song
Laugh and smile
a while
For soon I may be gone.

Loneliness is never good
But alone I’m seldom on my own.
Jesus sings and I listen.
He is an old black man with
Deep blues gene.
He’s a little child running
With holes in his shoes.
He is the beauty of a beat up
Tired woman.
He’s the comfort that
As a steel boot wonderer
fulfillment has finally been obtained
in my randomness.

Those that are many will never come to understand.

Have I loved?
I’ve loved.
In fact...
somewhere there is
A kettle of rose tea waiting
For me.
Put on the fire by a woman
Who waits patiently.
But stars and dirt and
Rain and lakes and
Oceans…howling coyotes
Singing birds, the sun, large mountains
deep valleys and the cracked concrete streets in every city
call to me
and have become that utmost beauty
I can’t live without.

The slow moving majestic clouds
I blame
For my domestic imperfections.
It’s a passion to be part of
The earth’s symphony
That gives me direction.
I hope one day
When you love elsewhere
there will be forgiveness
and you will understand
That I was born homeless
In every way ‘cept for in my soul
As I settled on being about a troubadour.

My America in the Morning

It’s a slow sun
over where I’m from.
with it’s dirty old buildings
and tall trees.

I catch the pocket change rays
through the small hole
in my window
shade.

There are voices
and creaky steps being made
above me.

The smell of food
and rain dew
alert my senses
telling me what it is now time to
do.

Clothes and shoes
fancy clothes, fancy shoes…
first and second glances
at a steam stained mirror
it will have to do.

The wind hits me
the minute my feet touch
concrete.

Onward workday soldier
who has made following the beat
a repititous necessaty.
Walk along non-broadway
and take a seat.

That slow sun
now begins to run.
Noise tracks
over train tracks.
World moving so fast.

America in the morning
so much like zombies
we all are...
it's haunting.

Not dreams...
not the way of lifes
suppose to be.
And Yet...
a tired face can still
muster a smile,
for everyday you don't lose
you win.

America in the morning...
How I long for nights
falling.

Dark As I'm Is

“Dark as Im is”
A negro hymn
A song sung sweetly in the fields.
“Dark as Im is”
Beautiful.

Strong is my bones
Gentle are my lips
Free is my kinky hair.

Let dem stare…I don’t care.

“Dark as Im is”
The sun’s love affair is with my skin
Fingertip rays touch my body.
I am black gold.

And yet…

Dirty are my fingers
Harden our my soles
Sweat constant up on my brow.

Let dem oppress…I ain’t stressed.

“Dark as Im is”
A template of one
Whose eye is majestic.

Long time humming over
Cotton.
My negro hymn…
Freedom first comes from within’.

“Dark as Im is”
And deep blue is the sky.
Oh how I wish dem birds
Would give me dey wings
So Is could fly.

Let dem deny…I’ll get by.

“Dark as Im is”
Is never break my stride
Fer Is always got
My pride.

A Ride With Misti

It was a hot night and June and I couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk. The evening was quiet. The stars were scattered sporadically across a moonlit backdrop, making the whole scene very pleasant to the eyes. It was the perfect night to drown myself in thought…mostly of Mysti. I had planned to drop by her house since arriving back home a few days ago, but every time I’d come near the place a wave of doubt would pull me away. I needed to talk to her about certain things that had been on my mind. Everything I had felt for her I hoped would wither away with the passing of time, but my heart fell victim to the old lovers’ cliché of absence and how it makes the heart grow fonder. I had thought about her so much in my time away. Honestly, its quite possible this woman was my soul mate. At times…in my loneliness when I could be quiet and still, I swear I could hear her heart beating, her soul crying out for mine. But our love affair had always been difficult to understand. Not unlike a house made from a deck of cards, everything was steady and firm until you tried to put that last piece on only to watch it quiver and fall.
Her house was like all the rest of them in this town including my own. It was just she and her Mother, a woman that had a Quaalude dependency and an obsession with cleanliness. Mysti was always cleaning something. I would often come over just to lend a hand with her chores so that the day wouldn’t go to waste and we could enjoy the last flickers of sunlight. She and her Mom moved into the neighborhood when I was about five and she was four...almost nineteen years ago. Her Mom was a six-grade teacher; in fact she taught me. She was a bit strange, but very likable. A few years after I attended her class she was forced to quit on the speculation that she was having affairs with her student’s fathers’. Mysti’s mother is gorgeous; a fact that was quite unsettling to the lovely bitches of the P.T.A. It was never proven that she was having any affairs with them or not, but it was an old-fashioned witch-hunt and Mysti’s Mom was burned at the stake. Mysti never spoke of her father and I’m not sure that it wasn’t because she didn’t know enough about him to say anything. Since becoming friends, most of her Father’s days were spent at my house hanging out with us. She always had a card for him and would sometimes even slip and call him dad. That didn’t bother the old man at all…in fact he kind of grew fond of her. He past away about six years ago, then we both were left with holes, but perhaps hers were deeper still.
The steps had gotten fewer and fewer until I came upon her house. The porch lights were on and I just stood there with my hand in my pocket wondering if she was awake…or for that matter even there. Life goes by so fast; moments become seconds instantly before you even begin to realize that they are slipping away from you. All I could do was stand there and remember what life was like as kids. The fact that I was standing in front of her house not knowing if she was home or not, having not seen her in some time was a sad re-occurring thought of all things that might have been.
I stood there a long time before it was decided that I should be on my way. My heart would not be satisfied with just hanging around but my crazy mind was in control and would never allow an attempt to be made at ringing her doorbell. So my feet just shuffled in front of each other and I walked away. Within a couple of paces my ears caught the faint sounds of music, music that sounded like it was coming from the garage of Mysti’s house. I slowly made my way down the entry, praying to myself that she was in there but not knowing exactly what I would do. Pressing my head against the glass I could see the silhouette of woman and immediately realized that it was Mysti. She was just sitting there in the dark listening to what sounded like Jackson Browne, who was her favorite since about sophomore year in high school. A rush of emotion ran out the pores of my body as wild and heavy as a marathon runners sweat as I watched her. I wondered what she was doing sitting there so lonely. But my curiosity didn’t give me the courage to knock on the door. I wanted to knock on the door but instead, after a bit of hanging out, the thought of what I was doing could be considered a bit creepy and stalkerish, set my mind on a decision, and with that, I took a few steps backwards, (a sobering and somewhat metaphorical act) and started on my way…drifting once again I suppose.
Where I was going I had no idea…it would have seemed perfectly logical for me to have stayed there but I just couldn’t, so I kept on walking down the empty street. A few cars had passed my way…most appeared to be carrying young hormonal driven teenagers who were probably out way past curfew, perhaps rushing home or maybe even away to a fuck-it-I’m-already screwed destination to continue in the teenage debauchery that I get nostalgic for sometimes. I got honked and whistled at from some girls cramped into a tiny beetle with the hood off, but it was all bullshit, they really didn’t want to do anything, just whistle and tease in that annoying, out for kicks, catholic school girl vain. They carried on and so did I. There was a park and then the lake that had signaled the end of the road going north. I could either go left or right or just turn around and go back home, but since I wasn’t tired I just decided to follow the path into the park and sit on one of the picnic tables and look out into the vastness of the body of water ahead of me.
I could never rest my eyes on a body of water without being haunted by the verses of the “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerlad” coming to mind. I began humming and sloshing around the lyrics as I remembered them, “The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down of the big lake they called Gitche Gumee…when the skies of November turn gloomy with a load of iron ore 26,000 tons more…does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours…Superior they said never gives up her dead when the gales of November come early.” That was perhaps one of the saddest songs I knew, a rather fitting song to think about while staring out into the lake in my present state.
Several thoughts were swooning around in my brain miles in minutes, but I couldn’t quite seem to attach myself to just one so there I was alone, sitting on a table looking out at the lake. In all the quietness I felt like poetry held at a stand still. So deep into the night’s sky were my eyes that at first I didn’t even notice her. There was no attempt to make sense of the silhouette that was cutting through my moonlight and the whispering footsteps that crept along the grass carpet. She could have passed me by and I suppose I would have just figured her to be part of it all…perhaps a mermaid returning home or something ridiculous like that. But she didn’t pass me by. Instead she sat right next to me and stared, as I did, at everything ahead. Then I could tell it was Mysti. She wasn’t a tall girl but tall enough, brown hair and hazel eyes. She was very pretty, but her look wasn’t uncommon. I’d like to think that I could pick her out of a crowd blindfolded. Our familiarity with each other had been that deep. A friendship based on years of climbing trees and throwing stones, of the uniqueness of shedding tears in the sun and laughing in the rain. I also remember a first kiss we shared on a night unlike this one…Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen” cutting through the silence out of my old beat up Chevy van radio. It’s funny how years seem to be comprised of days that at the time, simply seem to lag, but in retrospect, we really only have seconds to make a memory, and then it’s gone in an instant.
We stared together for a while and I couldn’t help but wonder about how the current scene played out for someone on the outside looking in. How did we look together sitting on the picnic table gazing out motionless and close? I suppose a poet would write a sonnet, a singer perhaps a melody, a painter could grasp all the physical elements and I suppose a writer would wait until it was all finished and place his melancholy thoughts on paper retrospectively.
Finally it was Mysti who broke the silence. “Hello Charlie”
I kept my focus on the stars for fear that I just might melt if I looked at her, but I did speak. “Hello Mysti…how are you?”
“Oh…well I guess I’m doing alright.” She spoke softly. “I thought I recognized that lone figure sitting over here by himself. Why are you out so late at night?”
“Just hanging out I guess. Couldn’t sleep for the life of me. Thought I’d take a walk and just ended up here. What about you? Are we one in the same?” I dared to look at her as she smiled at my awkward phrasing.
“I guess you could say that” she replied still smiling.
Brushing back her hair she continued on “It’s just a great night. I guess it’s hard to go to sleep when beauty is so prevalent in the here and now. Fuck, they say it’s suppose to rain all day tomorrow.”
“Yea, so I hear”
We sat there for a little while longer in moments of silence intertwined with bits of small talk. I asked how her mom was and she did the same. It’s a bit odd that so many years have past by with never a word having been spoken between us and in an instant we know nothing of distance, or forgotten birthdays, and broken promises. She leaned close to me, so close in fact I could have sworn that I heard her heart beat through her black pull over. She asked me with a bit of a sly grin as she tipped her face up toward the sky, her nose like the tip of a finger pointing at the moon. “How long were you planning on starring out there space cowboy?”
“I probably wasn’t going to be too much longer…just thinking you know.”
She leaned back “Yep that sounds like you. Always thinking… probably overanalyzing some little thing I bet.”
All I could do was grin back at her. “You know me too well, Mysti”
“Of Course Charlie…you’re about the only thing in my fucking world that stays constant. But I have an idea. Instead of just sitting here why don’t we go for a ride? You know, like we used to. You remember those late nights don’t you?”
I gave her a look that assured her that I hadn’t forgotten. She seemed to get a little embarrassed at herself for even asking me such a question. How could I have? We use to take off from parties or just nights out with friends to drive alone together under the moon & stars. We would just talk about anything there was to talk about. On those roads that stretched throughout and around our town is where I fell in love with Mysti as she sat back in that blue 78 Corvette, one hand on the wheel the other riding the wind. She told me all her dreams, and she had a lot of them. She wanted to do so many things and see so many places. At any given moment she wanted to be everything all at once, and for a time I believed that she could have pulled it off. She knew that I wanted to be a writer. Writers always fascinated me with their ability to uniquely control a situation. To create a creator out of thin air, give them a name, a town, and a situation and then manipulate their lives as they saw fit I have always found romantic. Perhaps it’s the god factor in all of us. My thoughts must have carried me away for a few seconds because her voice came into my right ear again with a hint of impatience. “Charlie, what do you say we go for that ride?” I smiled and glanced at the corvette that seemed to acquire the human element of a boy growing impatient for his parents. That car looked as beautiful as ever in moonlights glow.
“New paint job Mysti?” I asked
“About a couple of weeks ago…and with a full tank of gas.” She smiled
“Alright then, what are we waiting for?”
She took my hand and led me off of the park bench “Let’s go”.
I slowly lingered behind her in those few steps it took to reach her car because I loved to watch her walk. It was absolute poetry as her hips swayed lazily from left to right. For as long as I’ve known her it’s always been a mystery why someone who consistently rivaled in putting herself in the fast lane of life’s highway could just suddenly stop and become as adrift as broken branches floating down a stream. I hopped into the passenger side of the car and continued to watch her as she fumbled around for the key. When the engine started I took a glance around at the scenery once more. With deep breaths I inhaled the sweet smell of everything and made a mental note to self to capture the moment and place it in my heart for safekeeping. The car’s tires began to spin and we rolled off.
It wasn’t long before we cut back to the small talk “So what were you doing sitting alone in your garage at that hour Mysti?” She smiled slyly and brushed back her long brown hair behind her ears. I both loved and hated that game she played with me. It was a great stall tactic and it worked so well because she was so beautiful and I could, and have, watched her do that for minutes that seemed like hours, not even caring how obvious I was being. It was a stall tactic none-the-less. After a few moments of letting her think she had me I asked again.
“I was doing the same thing as you were Charlie.” She turns and looks at me “You know…just thinking. I didn’t know that you had monopoly on the concept.” That time a wide sadistic grin came across her face as I leaned my head into the car seat. “Smart Ass.” I said with a copy cat smile.
“Hey Mysti.”
“Yep”
“How come the radio wasn’t on when you turned on the car?”
“ I haven’t been listening to the radio that much lately Charlie. I can’t seem to get a strong enough signal on any of the good stations, and trying just depresses me.” She searched around the crevices of the interior of her car and shoved my leg over to open the glove compartment. “I always have a few mix tapes around but it looks like I don’t know where they are.”
I was puzzled for a second. I could have sworn I heard Jackson Browne when I was catching my sneaky peek at her in the garage. If the sounds that I heard weren’t from the radio; than why wasn’t that tape in the deck? It was disappointing to me to not have a soundtrack to our drive. Whenever we took any kind of road trip the dial was always set to the “Drive” which was this radio station just outside of the county that played songs from the sixties and seventies. There was this DJ on at night they called “Wildman” Stamp. Mysti and I just loved to listen to him because he had this really deeply meditating & soothing voice. The songs he played always work well with whatever mode we were in. Sometimes, I swear we had no gas in the car…we just glided along the rode on a wave of harmonies.
I loved talking to Mysti but I wanted to relive the full movie again…which meant we absolutely had to have music so I leaned forward and turned on the radio myself and searched for the station. At first I was able to get a faint signal before it completely cut out on me. I tried for quite a while without much success before finally deciding to give it up when all of sudden with much eeriness the signal grew strong and clear…clear as I’ve ever remembered it being. I took a glance at Mysti and I could tell she was trying to mask her pleasure. She took a puff from a cigarette she just lit and only looked at me.
Well, it turned out that old “Wildman” was still working the night shift and in listening to his voice I began to realize that I had been reunited with yet another close friend that night. I hadn’t realized how much I missed that old man until than and by the look on her face I could tell that Mysti was beginning to feel the same way. She thought that I had forgotten about the way she liked to mask her true feelings behind a calm & cool demeanor and a puff of smoke. I only smiled at what I knew.
So the scene had taken shape; the story was about a girl and boy driving along the empty open highway underneath a bright moon with stars the same. They don’t know where they’re going but the further they chase the unknown the more the dead weight that cakes upon there shoulders seemed to slid right off. For the first time in years genuine freedom and comfort appeared within reach. We got some help from Tom Petty.
Well, The Moon sank as the wind blew and the streetlights slowly
Died.
Yeah they called you the wild one Said stay away from her
Said she couldn’t love no one if she tried
But then somethin’ I saw in your eyes told me right away
That you were gonna’ have to be mine
The strangest feeling came over me down inside…

We were content in merely listening for a few songs because “Wildman” was playing all the good ones, but the guy’s not God and he decided to throw a little monkey wrench into the party by playing the “Twist”. The fucking “Twist” right after the likes of Petty, Marshall Tucker, Cat Stevens & The Who. Anyway, that seemed like as good a time as any to start a conversation.
“Nice night.” I said quietly as I turned to look her in the eyes. She shuffled her hair a little bit and then looked back at me. “Yeah, it’s a beautiful night…and it’s kind of cool that you got that radio to work.” She gave me a wink after that comment that privileged me with an honest joy. It took a lot to excite her and even when you did most people couldn’t tell, that wink was her only sign.
For a while the car ride was a masterfully executed demonstration in the art of small talk, and that was o.k. because it was good to just lay back and listen to her voice intertwined with the humble sounds of the wind and radio. She developed a soft-spookiness about her and it was in that way that we started to talk about the old days of long summer nights hanging out in the park and cold winters spending hours at Tasty Dog, the local hole in the wall with the best chili cheese fries on the planet.
“You know I still haven’t forgotten about the time you and Billy put those tad poles down my shirt. I hope you’re still looking over your shoulder and sleeping with one eye open at all times.” She says to me with an unusually playful giggle. It was nice to see that that kind of innocence still resided in her.
“Now wait a second Mysti, that was Billy all the way. Sure I may have caught the tadpoles but I kept telling you that it was my plan to feed them to my fish. But Billy, against my better judgment mind you, decided they would serve a better purpose down the back of your shirt, and well, you remember how big he was.”
She looked at me and laughed right in my face. I imagine the pitiful fake expression that I gave her was probably enough to send even the likes of Charlie Chaplin in stitches.
“Charlie you’ve been throwing that bullshit story around since day one. Why don’t you come clean…what if something should happen to me? I don’t want to leave you on this earth with a guilty conscious.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Mysti. That’s the honest to God truth.”
Again she smiled and nodded her head at me in playful disgust before turning her attention back towards the road “The truth shall set you free Charlie…but only if you want it too” was what she muttered to me.
I spoke up “Alright Mysti, the truth is that we were trying to show you how much we liked you and being of young, stupid and unsound heads at the time we figured that putting slimy, disgusting creatures down your back was the perfect way to turn on your love light.”
“Charlie I’ll buy 99 percent of that story but you and I both know that Billy never had any kind of interest in me at all except for the fact that at the time my boobs were bigger then most of the other girl’s in school. It was you and only you that had the crush on me and there should be no attempt by you to go on yet another pitiful and wholly untruthful tyrant about how you didn’t. You’re so transparent Charlie. Always have been and I’d bet everything I own including this car that you’ll never change.”
There was a lot of truth to that statement…and I wouldn’t dare bet her own that.

Right at that moment “Free Bird” came on the air and it was particularly odd timing giving the stretch of road we had just turned on. It had been awhile sense I’d thought about Billy. He was my best guy friend and as my relationship with Mysti grew we quickly became an inseparable threesome. In the fall of our senior year, after throwing four touchdowns to win the district championship, Billy felt like Superman didn’t need a designated driver. He swerved to avoid hitting a car and ended up flipping his bronco. It was an instant death from a broken neck; he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. The whole school was devastated. Billy was the star quarterback and maybe, quite possibly the nicest guy I’ll ever have the pleasure of being in the presence of. Everyone at Clayton High felt the loss of such a great guy. If the story wasn’t tragic enough, a lot of the town folks seemed to do everything they could to brush the incident under the rug. Fucking small town. They’d do anything to keep the precious “down home” reputation in tact. In a town where some old lady winning the local garden contest for the best fucking tulips gets a half page front spread…only the dates of Billy’s birth and death were printed underneath an out dated photo. Billy’s parents soon left after that, and who blamed them? My heart was always on that first bus out of here when graduation came, but after that the idea consumed me. As soon as I got that diploma I handed it to my mother and was on the first bus out before the caps hit the ground. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had left behind something really important.
It was getting cooler as the late evening turned itself into the dark, early morning. The music was still playing and I was very comfortable in all the surrealism, even with the sad memory of a dear friends death. Perhaps enough time had passed that the hurting had loosened its grip. So comfortable was I that I started to dose off as the wind’s breeze attempted to shut my weary eyes.
“I know you’re not falling asleep on me?” I heard Mysti cry out with disbelief.
“Relax, I was just resting my eyes for just a second. Last time I checked that wasn’t against the law.” I muttered back to her.
“You’re so gay…that’s so gay if you fall asleep on me right now.”
I looked at her and responded with a hint of annoyance. “Jesus Christ. I was just closing my eyes.” She caught on to my annoyant tone of voice and in typical Mysti fashion wasted no time calling me a “little bitch”. I just smiled and shrugged it off.
Mysti was such a figure to behold in the moonlight. I’d always seen Mysti differently than most people. She’s a tough girl. Very quick-witted and sarcastic and put on the kind of heirs that made you think nobody could get underneath her skin. But if you were to gain her trust she’d let you in on everything. Her beautiful brown strands of hair just drifted freely from her head as we drove along the road. Her eyes sank a little bit with the beat of the melancholy harmonies coming from the car’s old speakers. She had lips that were full and firm, yet I knew from seconds of experience that they were soft and embraceable. Sometimes it hurt to look at her. Sitting there I felt the guilt of ever leaving her.
I was deep into those thoughts for a while so I almost hardly noticed that Mysti had begun talking again. Her voice could be so soft sometimes it was a strange difference from the typically loud and sometimes over-bearing Mysti.
“ I’ve been really lonely without you Charlie, life has gotten kind of crazy since you’ve been gone. I’ve been involved in a lot of shit that seems to come around in circles. It’s a little disappointing that we haven’t kept in touch. I mean I’m not trying to lay on you any kind of guilt trip or whatever cause it’s my fault too…I just wish things could have worked out differently, y’know.”
I was a bit frozen for a second, thrown off at the fact that we had been thinking about some of the same things. I wondered why she could be so open sometimes and not me? Were my thoughts transparent to her?
I stayed leaned back against the car seat. In my own lowly voice I started speaking to her.
“Mysti I never should have left you.” She turned to me and rolled her eyes. She looked annoyed by my comment “Charlie, I don’t need your words of pity.” She got that out before I even had a chance to finish my sentence.
“Mysti I don’t pity you. Why don’t you let me finish what I was trying to say before you jump down my throat?”
Mysti shot back. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to comment on what I said. I know you and I know that you feel like you have to respond to everything.”
“God Mysti…do you have to make everything so difficult. I don’t pity you at all nor do I care to hear myself talk just for the pleasure of it. I’m just trying to tell you now what I couldn’t tell you with all the wasted quarters on hung up phone calls and unused stamps. If you would just listen and let me talk you might understand”.
I think she could tell that I was caught up in a genuine moment because the scowl look on her face dropped.
“Alright Charlie…I’m sorry. Finish what you were trying to say”.
“Mysti, I was a selfish ass-hole with a demon on my back and 100 dollars in my pocket and running away fast was all it seemed I could do to deal with whatever it was that made me feel like I did. I was afraid to look back and say goodbye to anyone, especially you because maybe if I did I would never have left.”
I could feel that after all these years of not being able to tell Mysti how I truly felt about her that those unspoken words might just burst out all at once. I so desperately wanted to make eye contact with her so that I could get some kind of sign that she was feeling the things I was trying to say. We were coming up on “Summers Peak” so I asked Mysti if we could stop there to talk. She must have thought it was an all right idea because suddenly we were slowing down. We pulled up into the parking area and Mysti turned off the engine. We were alone and it was so quiet I could hear my heart thumping through my chest. I could swear she heard it too. She turned her head toward me and simply waited for me to speak. “Damn” I thought to myself. I could already feel my words slipping away from me. I had to say something but how do you start a conversation with someone you want to tell, “I love you” to? I leaned back into the suddenly cold seats and looked straight into an endless sky, all the while Mysti was holding her stare down…just waiting for something to come out of my mouth. I could only imagine the wild curiosity she harbored in herself for what exactly it was I wanted to tell her. I was searching so hard and deep within the haven of the night. I didn’t want to make eye contact with Mysti until I knew I had something. I want so desperately to say the right things to her…to do something right and not screw things up for a change when it came down to us. Maybe I was too caught up in that though. Perhaps there shouldn’t be a great rehearsal of words, Mysti saw right through stuff like that anyway. It very well could have been that the sweaty palms and my nervous, shaky voice was the only way I could sincerely let her know how affectionately my heart wanted her. It took a minute but then I turned to her. When are eyes met I saw far into them…surprisingly there was no hint of annoyance, just a blend of patience and curiosity. Knowing that I had kept her on edge long enough I finally started to say something.
“It was in Arizona when I knew I had made a terrible mistake. It was about dawn and the hot sun was slowly rising over the red hills. I was alone in the backseat of a dirty bus watching the world go by at 55 miles per hour. All the metaphors I could conjure up about what freedom looked, smelled & tasted like had been laid out right before my eyes. I tell you Mysti, for a second I felt like I could drown in my joy I was so happy. The utter chaos and instability of the suitcase life seemed like a perfect fit for me. The bus had made a rest stop at this diner/gas station that stood lonely out there in the expansive dessert. The fumes from the gas was nauseating so the thought of actually eating something from the already not so appealing shack was almost not even an option, but then the bus driver told us to get our fill because we wouldn’t be making another stop for about five hours. I decided to take a chance on the place and actually the food wasn’t half bad. Anyway…to make a long story somewhat shorter, I got the chance to strike up a little conversation with a marine who was waiting for his girl to pick him up. He hadn’t seen her in about a year and he pulled out a ring and told me of his plans to per pose to her. He asked me if I had a girl and I remembered that old picture of you that we took at the park the day you got your car. Seeing it ripped in half it confused him a bit until I explained to him that you did that so we each could have one of the other. His scrunched brow hinted to me that he wanted to explore that reasoning further but I told him that it was just the pleasant way you were wired. I said that we weren’t dating but just good friends. The small talk lingered on for a bit longer before I noticed the bus driver getting up from his seat and heading towards the pump to fill up the bus. I got up to start to get my things gathered and the Marine kept talking…. Oh, by the way I should mention that his name was Tom Kendall, a lieutenant.” Mysti gave me a little bit of a quirky smile. She caught on to the emphasis in my voice on the word lieutenant. Since forever she had a thing for a man in uniform. Once she even tried to convince me to join the army…and I almost entertained the idea. It was good to know that she was listening so intently to what I was saying.
Tom had asked me where I was going and I told him I didn’t know…just anywhere I felt like until I got stuck somewhere when all my money ran out. He smiled before I noticed that his face had gotten a little bit serious…like when you want to tell an old friend something really important that you hope will stick but you’re afraid that the words just won’t come out right and he’ll just end up getting pissed.”
But he spoke, “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure I said…anything” I wasn’t prepared for what it was he wanted to ask me, but he spit out his words fast. I hadn’t begun to imagine what the soldier wanted to ask me with such a serious look on his face.
He looked me straight in the eyes, “You wouldn’t happen to be running from that girl in the picture would you? I mean by the look in your eyes; I could see that you miss her…that maybe you might even miss her more than you’re willing to admit.”
“I guess I tried to throw him off with a smile and some mumbled words about how much I did miss you because you and I were such good pals, but that we were only that and his implication that we were more was false. I don’t think he bought it but the check came along with a last call for the bus and I used that as my escape, and he accepted it. We shook hands and wished each other well. We walked out to the bus as his girl was just pulling up. I studied the gleam in his eyes as he watched the woman he was about to marry slowly get out of the car. As soon as their eyes locked they didn’t take them off each other…not even for a second. When she got to us he grabbed her and picked her up off her feet and gave her this huge kiss. After what seemed like forever I was introduced to her…Lynne was her name. Thomas and Lynne Kendall, well it certainly seemed like a fit.” Mysti gave a nod in agreement, “Fits perfectly” she spoke.
“I chatted with Tom and the happy bride to be before it was time for me to board the bus.”
“So where are you headed Charlie?” Lynne asked me.
“Just ramblin’. No place in particular I guess. Just traveling seeing what things are all about.”
She spoke again with a smile as wide as the desert, “ so is there anybody special in this ‘no place in particular’ you’re going to see?” I looked up at Tom and watched him as he tried to hold back his chuckles. I was going to respond but Lynne just took my arm and leaned forward and whispered into my ear.
“You know it took this fool four years of the tough marine life to realize he was in the wrong place…I would have waited forever but was all that wasted time necessary?” With that said she let go of my arm and I again looked at Tom as he took his future bride in his arms. “This girl is something else ain’t she Charlie?” I smiled at them both, “She is certainly that Tom, I’d keep her if you ask me.” I told him as I winked at him and began to pick up my bags. The two of them looked so perfect. Watching them together was like being hit by lighting. Everything I had ever felt for you Mysti flooded over and I was suddenly embarrassed to be so far away from the woman I so obviously loved.
I shook Tom’s hand & Lynne gave me a hug and within’ a matter of seconds I was back in the rear of the bus. As the wheels kicked up all that Arizona dust I stared out of the window and could see the image of Tom bending down on one knee. After that I remember leaning back into the seat and staring at nothing in particular for a very long time. Just a few hours ago I had been a lucky son of a bitch …that dingy, dirty; uncomfortable bus was my vehicle to take me anywhere. But after meeting Tom and Lynne my outlook was slowly beginning to change. This dream ideal I had built inside of my head was becoming unstable at its foundation. Suddenly the seats were extremely uncomfortable, the lack of sufficient air conditioning unbearable, and the stench of a few people with hygiene issues was intolerable. The intrigue of having no place to go was losing its glamour and I wanted to get off.
I tried to call you from a pay phone when we stopped in San Jose; but I hung up as soon as I heard your voice. I guess I let myself get afraid of the thought that you’d hear the sound of my crackling voice and your tears of laughter would come streaming down my end of line before you hung up on me in disgust. Seeing how it had been almost a year I even kind of wondered if you’d still cared to remember me.”
I sat back for a second and bit my tongue. It’s inevitable for me too feel uncomfortable with the things that I say. Mysti just cracked a smile and rubbed her hand through her hair to pull back the strands that were running away.
“You’re so strange…I can’t believe you could actually think I could forget about you?” She said.
“Well, yeah. I mean, I guess deep down probably not, but you know how my imagination just runs fantastically wild sometimes.”
There was an expression in Mysti’s eyes. I could tell that she was trying to follow what I was trying to say to her but that I was kind of running a little off course.
“Charlie…what’s the end to this story? You’ve been talking and I’ve been listening and it seems like what you’re trying to say doesn’t require as many words as your capable of dragging it out to be.”
I took a glance at Mysti for a second. She didn’t seem annoyed with me yet…just growing a bit impatient. “God this isn’t suppose to be that hard.” I thought to myself…at least I had thought, I thought to myself before Mysti spoke.
“Than why are you making it so hard Charlie?”
A little embarrassed I turned away and mumbled, “I thought I was talking to myself.”
“Well you may have been but I’ve got good ears.” Mysti tugged on her right ear and gave me a smile, knowing that she wasn’t suppose to hear that either.
Guys like me should never fall in love. Were bumbling, stumbling, awkward idiots. We just can’t handle the pressure of being in possession of something so great without finding a multiple of ways to screw it all up. Perhaps love for a guy like me is like the distant planets in the sky. I look through a telescope and they appear so close and attainable, but realistically I know I can only reach out my hands so far…and they will never be long enough…But that could also be horseshit. Mysti’s right here, I can reach over and grab her, look deep into her eyes and let her know that I want her. Just like men will never give up trying to reach the heavens…maybe I’m only going to fail if I choose to give up.
So it was in a blue Corvette in a parking lot beneath a moon blanket sky that I finally let it all go and confessed my love to Mysti. I blurted out everything…and just hoped that I was making sense. It was a love that’s been felt for a long time but something I just didn’t understand. I apologized to her for running away instead of trying to figure it all out. And after a few more minutes of babbling, there it was, my heart oozing down the tracks of my striped shirt, bare-naked, finally able to breath.
There was something in Mysti’s eyes…I could tell that she had been affected by my words, but in what way I couldn’t comprehend. Her expression was odd to me. It wasn’t cold but yet it wasn’t letting me in either. Could have been doubt, fear, or joy…I didn’t know, maybe all those things and more rolled up into one. I couldn’t blame her for the silence and the stare into the dark field. Roles had been reversed and that moment had arrived for me to finally take my own medicine…to sit silently waiting for a response. I watched her, it seemed that fate’s was having a moment, so whatever was going to happen I wanted Mysti to not feel rushed.
Some time had passed when, in a quiet way Mysti opened her car door and headed out towards the open field. I watched her walk across the grass, her moon shadow stretching towards the trees. I am a believer in the beauty and grace that stirs itself in that woman’s soul. I would desperately do anything to become apart of it. Every step she made into that swallowing field took her somewhere deep. I couldn’t tell if she was using a slow walk to run away from me or if she was just waiting to hear my steps behind her. I made a decision to follow. When I finally reached her I noticed her eyes were fixated upon the sky. Standing next to her she started talking as if our conversation had never ceased.
“Charlie, have you ever tried to stare down the moon?” I watched her eyes to see if that was really a question she had wanted me to answer. I couldn’t tell really…so I took her silence as a hint that she might want me to say something.
“Yeah, I suppose there are plenty of times when I get lost at staring at that thing. It’s so big and bright you really can’t help it sometimes. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone were to tell me that the person that invented those light traps for flies, had been moon inspired.”
Mysti turned her head briefly my way and gave me a pretty smile before resuming her staring contest. I really watched her carefully as her thoughts spun around inside of her. Standing there soundless I felt as though I was beginning to understand the girl I was in love with. With her melancholy stance, through the pupils of her eyes, there was the innocence of a little girl trapped inside a woman. So soaked in sadness…and had drowned many times. A rape victim of a multiple of other people’s crazy lives destroying a once lustful appetite for the quest of rainbows. I was ashamed to be standing next to her because it’s quite possible I was one of them. I couldn’t say anything…sorry didn’t seem to fit, like the meaning is not intended for the seriously hurtful things one does to another.
“You know Charlie, if I were a boy my Mom would have called me Mystical.”
I let out a little chuckle and Mysti gave me a smile to let me know that it was o.k. “I didn’t know that. Sounds like she was pretty set. I’m glad it worked out the way it did. Mysti seems to fit the girl pretty good. I don’t quite think it would have worked out well for you if you were a boy. You probably would have had to grow up and become a famous athlete…something tough like a football player or a world famous body builder, to perhaps overcompensate for getting the crap beat out of you when were younger.”
A little laughter came out of Mysti’s mouth and it was pleasant to hear.
“Hey, I don’t think I’ve ever asked you if your mother had a reason for giving you such a unique name?”
“If by unique you mean completely strange…then yea, I guess it is unique. My mom was set on either Mysti or Mystical. I’ve never told you the story of my parents have I?”
I remembered asking her once about the whereabouts of her dad when we first started hanging out as kids, but she just pretended not to hear me. As the years rolled on and we grew closer nothing still was ever mentioned of him, so I figured that sad expression on her little girl’s face was about all I needed to know.
“Mysti you’ve never mentioned anything about your old man to me. You know that Richard Lane met Barbara Smith at a coin laundry while at college and got married on a budget of two-hundred and seventy six dollars, moved here from all the way across the country with nothing but a bag of pot, half a joint and one suitcase full of really strange clothes and a manuscript and decided to have a kid and name him Charlie. But you, sometimes I think you just drifted down from the clouds. Kind of like that girl in that Hendrix song ‘Little Wing’.”
Mysti smiled up at me because she knew the song well. It was one of my Dad’s favorite’s and she liked listening to records with him when she’d come by and I wasn’t there or was too busy doing chores or homework. She kept her smile and gently slid her arm into mine.
“I miss your dad Charlie, he was a great guy. I know I must have been a nuisance always hanging around, but he never seemed to care. He’d just let me stay...like I was one of you guys.”
“Well that’s because he loved you like a daughter. That’s why my mom gave you his record player and the records. He would have wanted you to have to have them.”
We were now really deep into the forest. The present conversation got me thinking about my dad and how much I missed him. It had been such a long time, but I may never completely heal from losing him.
Mysti started to pour out her soul to me as we walked along. “It was a one night stand Charlie. It wasn’t the simplicity of boy meets girl and they fall in love, get married and move away to start a life together. She gave herself to some man she’d only just met. She swears it was love that they made under this very same moon…but I can’t believe that. At nineteen he was the most amazing man she’d ever meet. They went when the sky was quiet and talked, laughed and touched each other throughout the night. When it was all over they fell asleep underneath some trees and laid softly on the grass. When my mom woke up he was gone…nothing but shallow tire tracks leading away. My Mom says that he was her one true love. You should see how sad her face gets whenever she brings up that night. I’m so tired of hearing about it, but it’s a story she insist on retelling even after I’ve begged and pleaded with her not to. I’ve seen love destroy her and because of it I’ve sworn to myself, knife to skin, that I would never let that happen to me.”
“You’d deny yourself love Mysti?” I asked her, feeling very sad at the way she seemed so convinced. Her face was pale, like a china doll, and she looked up at me and tears were beginning to race down her cheeks.
“To keep my sanity I’ve done all I could to keep from falling in love. To not let what’s happened to my mother happened to me. To trade the potential joy for the promised pained. My mother loved so hard…and I, I know I’m just like her.”
Mysti was looking up at me; her hand gripped my arm tight. What she was saying to me was impacting me so very heavily. Somehow through her touch I became involved in her sorrow and despair. It was depressingly beautiful. For the first time Mysti was completely letting me in, but I was beginning to fear my place at the threshold. I wanted her to know that things can be different, but what if they weren’t. I could make promises…I wanted to and felt ready to, but should I have, knowing what I knew. There has to be an element of risk to love…possibilities that are as unpredictable as dice. It wouldn’t be love without it.
Again I found myself searching the words…so intensely that I hadn’t even noticed that Mysti had taken my hand and was pulling me. Her grip was so gentle, yet I knew I couldn’t break away even if I had wanted to. We were sinking further and further from everything until we had drowned ourselves in the mass of trees. There was hardly any light, just patches of a few moon rays that broke through the branches. I tried to speak but Mysti only covered my mouth with her finger. In the slow minutes following we came to a stop. I couldn’t see more than a couple of inches in front of me but I felt a hand start to caress my face.
“Mysti, what are we doing?” I called out. Her voice was barely audible over the whistling of the leaves and chirping of the crickets.
“Charlie, relax…everything is going to be fine. I’m just tired of talking.”
She began to give me soft kisses all over my face and hands and I returned her affections. My heart was pounding through but I was comfortable being with her in that moment. With every touch our bodies locked tighter to each other’s. In the heat of entangled passion my legs began to get weak and we were slowly sinking toward the ground. It was all done almost effortlessly. With every touch I tried to hold on just a little tighter…never wanting to let her go. Her skin was soft and smooth. The moon, the stars, and the tree leaves that shielded it all made making love feel so pure and natural. It could have been like Adam romancing Eve. We climaxed together on the bed of grass and dirt and when it was all done I had no strength to do anything but just lie there. She stayed in my arms, speechless and quiet.
We stayed naked for a bit, our bodies wet from the sweat of a hot night. As I was caressing her face I felt tears slowly rolling down her checks. Terrible feelings started to overcome me and guilt was beginning to swallow my happiness. When I stared into her eyes they were red and the regret of what she might be thinking crept inside of me.
“What’s wrong Mysti?” I asked her. I could feel her grip on my arm getting tighter as she began to look at me. She was so silent I had to ask her again. “What’s wrong Mysti?”
“Tell me honestly Charlie. Tell me honestly right now. I promise you all I want is the truth. I can handle whatever you tell me; but I need to know Charlie, what was it that we just did?”
In that moment, as the question was being asked, I saw a type of sadness in Mysti that I had never experienced with her in all the years we had known each other. With all the different lovers and one-night stands that we both had experienced in the pursuit of finding something that was real; we finally made it to the doorstep. It was scary and Mysti didn’t want to have her heart so broken that she would become nothing more than a walking vessel of the memories of lost promises. I had to defend my sincerity, she deserved that of me. I watched her eyes dance around in confusion before I brought them to focus in on my face.
“Honesty is something that’s been locked in chains in the deepest part of my heart for so long Mysti. If I were truly honest with you and myself from the beginning we wouldn’t be here in this moment, something like this would have happened a long time ago and today we’d be lying in bed in a home we’d made for each other far away from this place. I’d be awake watching you as you dreamed in my arms, kissing you gently and thanking God for what I had before me. Yes, if I was honest, outcomes would have been different and the regrets certainly not as painful. I don’t want to revisit the past anymore…I have no desire to rest on those things that might have been. I want to change the present and not have to face the uncertainty of the future without you. I want you. I made love to you tonight Mysti, and I hope we started something that’s meant to last.”
Her eyes were blazing. I could tell that she was once again digging deep into my soul to try to uncover any lies or deceit in my words. I put my hand on her chest to feel the beat of heart and stared into her.
“Mysti, I’m not your father and you are not your mother. I’m telling you that I love you with all my heart and that I need you. I would do all that I could to make you happy as long as I have breath in my body. Have faith in me…I’m begging you to please trust me.”
It didn’t take more than ten seconds before she leaned in and kissed me. Our hearts were now officially bound together with the impenetrable bond of love. We were finally traveling together on the same road. She smiled at me and I back at her.
Within’ a few minutes the adrenaline of falling in love faded and we started to feel the suddenly chill night’s air on our naked bodies. It was time to go. On the walk back to the car the plan was set to leave that town together and never look back. She was thinking about art school and I would pick up odd jobs here and there until my as yet, not started novel was finished. When we were ready to settle down someplace we’d move to Canada or maybe even Alaska, get married and raise a few kids. Silly American dreams, but they were preciously ours.
She tossed me the keys to the car and we started on our way home, She sat so close to me I could hardly steer but there was no way I was going to complain about it. We laughed and talked for a bit before we let the radio take us the rest of the way. There was a turn we had to make and for a second I wondered why not just go…make that left instead of the right and have our past behind us before sun up. I had all I truly needed, everything else was just baggage. I knew that Mysti would probably want to leave a note or something for her mom and I should probably do the same and maybe get a little rest.
When we finally got to my house I got out and watched Mysti as she moved over to the drivers side. I was feeling anxious about that left turn I should have made. I just wanted to get going and it seemed like so much time had already been wasted. When I leaned over to kiss Mysti I just couldn’t keep my selfish thoughts to myself.
“I don’t want you to leave Mysti. Let’s just go now. We can leave notes for our moms and promise to call them later. I mean it’s not like we’re little kids anymore. I don’t feel tired so I can drive for a while and then you could take over or we could rest up in whatever cheap motel we see along the way.” Mysti didn’t say anything. Her blank stare was confusing. I couldn’t tell if she had been seriously contemplating what I was suggesting or was she off in space somewhere and didn’t even hear a word I said.
I nudged her shoulder, “what do you say Mysti? Let’s get the hell out of here.” Mysti looked up with a smile that said it all before she even began to speak. Never the less she began to speak soft and sweet. “ Charlie, tonight, without a doubt has been the best night ever. What we shared this evening was very special. We’re young Charlie, but I’ve gone through enough crap to appreciate that great things…real and special things don’t just get delivered to your doorstep everyday, so when it does you must do all you can to cease it and never let go. There is a whole world out there that I can’t wait for you and I to see. I just need a few hours to be alone to take it all in. I know it sounds silly but it’s a bit scary when a dream comes true.”
I wanted to convince her so badly to leave with me right away but I understood and accepted the point she had tried to make. It was pointless to push the issue on something that was only a few hours away. She saw disappointment running down my face and reassured me with a kiss that everything was going to be o.k.
“I’ll pick you up here at ten o’clock sharp.” Mysti said while slowly taking the car out of park.
“Why don’t I just make the walk over to your house? Somehow me coming for you seems to fit well in this bizarre tale.”
Mysti put on a shy schoolgirl face and smiled at me. “Like a prince coming to rescue his princess.” She commented. I had to blush at the thought of how boyish I must have sounded. But it was the truth.
“Is there anything wrong with that?” I asked as she was pulling away, “No, just don’t be late.” She laughed. I said my goodbye but before I could start towards the door I heard her voice call out my name.
“Charlie.” I turned to look at her. “Thanks Charlie.”
“For what?“
“For rescuing me.”
And with that I stood as useful as a pile of rocks. Watching the rising sun gobble her up, a silhouette of long brown and dim lights fading with the white and gold lines on the street.
I tried to get some sleep but the excitement of it all was too much to control. For a time I just sat on my bed and used the ceiling as a make shift movie screen that projected all my hopes and dreams of the life that I was about to share with Mysti. With all of the anticipation I almost forgot to be a bit scared, but that caught up with me. I told Mysti I would love her for the rest of my life; take her out from under the rug so that she could breath again. Was I being too cocky? Did I really understand all that I was placing on myself? There was nothing that I’d done in my life that affirmed the amount of trust I’d ask Mysti to have in me. I wondered if that was why she hadn’t wanted to run when I had wanted to? There were so many reasons to doubt myself but if I had learned anything it was that fear and uncertainty would always be my shadow…but if I stopped looking back, one day I may forget that it was ever there.
Since this wasn’t a wild run out of town I decided to gather my essentials. I wrote a note to my mother and slid it underneath her bedroom door. It wasn’t the way a boy should tell his mother that he was leaving perhaps for good, but that’s what I choose to do. I took one glance around a house that hadn’t been bad to me overall but one that had grown cold and lonely in the days since my dad’s passing. I grabbed my bags and walked out. Grey clouds were rolling slowly over me. Looked like the rain was going to come down soon. I thought about how un-romantic it would be to drive with the top up but I guess not everything could turn out perfect. Given my history it might have even become a bad omen if things went too smoothly. There was a pause outside my front door to take in one last smell. With each foot forward I said my silent goodbye’s to the things I had loved, mostly of childhood memories of block parties, climbing trees and that time I waited seemingly for hours on the front steps of the house for my dad to roll into the driveway with the new family car.
I could feel light rain sliding down my forehead as I was approaching Mysti’s front yard. I dropped my bags at the doorsteps and rang the doorbell. Some time had passed in complete silence so I rang it again, and after more silence still there was no answer. That was annoying. I knew Mysti was going to have trouble getting up, we should have just left when I wanted too…now we’re just wasting time. Starring into the small squared window of Mysti’s front door, I had seen nothing that resembled life stirring about. I knew her Mother was out of town so it was just her but there was an unsettling aura that had engulfed the whole scene. I just felt uneasy gazing at the steps leading to the upstairs. Thoughts of Mysti having cold feet started to enter my stream of perception but I fought to brush them aside as I backed away from the window and tried to think of a way in.
There was a tree on the side of her house that I used to climb to sneak into her room whenever she wanted to hang out but her mother was being weird. I made my way to the side of the house and noticed two things; one was that the corvette was nowhere in sight. The other was her bedroom window was left wide open. It was obvious to feel that nothing but the worse was waiting for me but I did my best to try and focus on climbing that damn tree.
I was suppose to be a young, strapping man, but the alcohol and cigarettes had taken it’s toll enough that the barely twenty foot climb seemed like a trek up Everest. I stumbled at her window, tripping over the pane and landing hard on the wood floor. When I had gotten a hold of my senses I raised up to see Mysti lying on her bed. I gently nudged her but there was no movement. It was only when I bent down to speak into her ear that I had noticed she hadn’t been breathing. I moved my ear closer to her lips and a chill shot from my heart and up and down my spine. I couldn’t hear her breathing.
I panicked and began to yell; “Mytsi, wake up…Mysti, please wake up!” At that point I was violently shaking her because I was much too out of control. When I came to my senses for a brief moment I noticed a bottle of Quaaludes on the desk, the contents were empty. I should have reached for the phone, but in my heart I knew the worse and instead went to her bed, gripped her tight and cried into her hair.
“Why Mysti? Why? Why? We were so close to being free; we were going to be so happy. I thought I was going to make you happy.” I stream of mumbled words were pouring out of my mouth as I rocked back and forth trying to wake up the nerves in my paralyzed mind that was becoming numb. I had to let her go to call an ambulance. I was just with her less than three hours before. How could she be gone?
I searched for the phone and found one on her hope chest. I started to pick it up when I noticed a note underneath. It was folded in half and my name had been written across in big letters. I opened the note with a bit of hesitation. The idea of reading Mysti’s last thoughts was yet another Mount Rushmore that I had been confronted with in just the few conflicting moments that I’d been in the room. When the note was opened a picture slid out onto the floor. I went down to pick it up and rested my body there on her floor. It was a picture that I recognized well. It was taken a few month’s before High School graduation, when I had already formulated my plans about leaving and she was none-the-wiser. In the picture she was smiling in the midst of blossomed trees. Her handwriting on the backed marked the date May 4th ’84. Starring at the picture I started to cry and than I began to read the letter.
“Dearest Charlie,
‘I’m just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you.’ I know you’ll recognize that line from somewhere. It’s from my favorite Jackson Browne song. It had been a while since I’d physically put in the tape or allowed myself to listen to it on the radio. Although it always played in heavy rotation in my heart it was becoming too hard to actually hear the words as I began to understand it’s meaning in my life. It was on the car ride home when I was nestled between your arms as we drove along the road when I noticed that it was playing. Feeling safe and secure it was good to hear Jackson singing it. Sadly, it wasn’t long until the reasons why I stopped playing it crept in. As that line kept coming closer and closer I held you ever more tightly, I don’t think you noticed, but It was because I was getting scared. I was afraid because in my heart I’ve always felt I could never catch up with you. That no matter how much I tried I would always be the trailer, the little girl that always needs someone’s hand to drag her along. One day I fear that you’d grow tired of the dragging and just let go, and I can’t handle the thought of what that would do to me. You’re probably very hurt and confused right now and I apologize for that. I didn’t lead you on with all that talk about going away and wanting to start a new life with you. I meant every word I said to you and I know that you did too; but sitting in my room alone I couldn’t shake the thoughts that were beginning to fester in those moments inside of the car. I want very much to believe that if I went with you everything would be perfect but I just can’t allow myself. My mother’s thrown her spirit away because of the shadow lost love has cast. When I was a little girl I gave up on the fantasy of ‘nights in shining armor and happy endings’ all for the sake of protecting myself from becoming like her. But than a little boy knocked at my door to see if I wanted to go catch lighting bugs and there the seeds of love had been sown. It was too easy and unsuspecting. Thank you for loving me in the kind of way little girls dream about (that’s why I left the window open in the door locked). It may never make sense to you but I’d rather leave this world physically…believing again that love is a true and good thing, than taking the risk of dying emotionally in the event that life should steer us opposite. Again, I’m sorry Charlie. I hope in time you’ll forgive me. Downstairs there is a small box of stuff I packed, inside of it are a few of my favorite things that I would like you to keep…just a few tapes, a scrapbook, and my car keys. I want you to have the car. It meant so much to me because of the freedom it gave me if only for a few moments at a time. I want you to take its freedom and drive it away from here for me. A car like that isn’t meant for the confining, fragile streets of this town…but for the great open road. I lacked the courage but you can take it and never look back. I love you Charlie and may you always keep me.
‘Till we meet again,
Mysti Rose

I couldn’t do anything for a time but just sit there. The whole thing was so surreal that it seemed as if I were out of body when I rose up to kiss her forehead and tuck her in for the last time anybody ever would. My tears rolled slowly down my cheeks and connected with hers. My heart weighed a ton and I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. I may never be able to explain where I got the strength to finally say goodbye and walk out the door.
The creaky steps took forever to walk down. Pictures of her hung down the wall and I couldn’t bare to stand the sight of smiles that had apparently been lies. At the last foot-stop there was a box marked with my name on it. I found a phone but thought it better to just call from a pay phone. It would be hard to sit and explain to some cop why a girl would throw her life away. Somehow the fear of love doesn’t quite fit right between the lines of some badge’s insensitive police report. I picked up the box after putting the keys inside my pocket and walked outside letting the screen door slam behind me. As I began to walk the early morning barren sideway, I thought about what Mysti wrote in her letter. “Her dreams had come true”, but was that all it had been? One beautiful and unrealistic dream that had been interrupted. Someday I might understand like she thinks, but I won’t go searching. It would have to come when it’s ready.
I got to her car that was parked a few blocks down and tossed the box into the passenger’s seat. She happened to park on the other side of a large hill. When I looked back, her house, as well as the bulk of our neighborhood, was hidden. I was sure she had done that on purpose. I started the keys in the ignition and rumbled through her box for a tape that I could play. There was a dubbed cassette with the words JB’s Greatest written in black marker across a piece of thin scotch tape. The first song was “Fountain of Sorrow”. I rolled into reverse and almost got blinded by a beam of sunlight forcing it’s way through a clearing sky. I couldn’t help but smile as I lowered the top down and headed on my way. The last thing Mysti ever said to me was “thank you for rescuing me”…and I took it in and watched her drive away. Well, Mysti…
“The pleasure was all mine.”

First Thoughts On A Sad Day

I recall a memory today
one from the vaults
un-locked by the sadness of times humble reality.
I recall that memory
of innocence.
Friends in makeshift zipper jackets
and one handed gloves.
THE MOONWALK
over cracked concrete in the park
Columbus Park.
Twistin' and spinnin'
I recall that memory
and smile...
High definition in the theatre of the mind.
Older kids with their jerry curls
screamin'
and high kickin'.
Mama's threatnin' spankins
if we don't stop grabbin' ourselves.
I recall that memory
of how the music traveled with me
from my old home in the city
to my new one in the suburbs
a lifeboat called "constant"----in a vast ocean of change.
I recall that memory
of being frieghtened
by the horror of what I saw...
ZOMBIES!!!
but they sure could dance good.
I recall a new generation
a pretty girl with curls
dancin' with dad to a record
A RECORD!!!
Screamin'
and high kickin'
I'm glad she gets to know.
Mamma says
that through the years
it was like "watchin'
her brother grow".
I'll keep that memory out for awhile
and turn up the knob
on that ol' stereo.
it's just so sad...
that I only recall
on the day that you had to
go.

The Sun and Its Harbor

The sun and it's harbor
Are married...
It is a union that
Benefits all those
Who set their peace in the
Embrace of the cool, waters breeze...
A parallel romance of dawn,
And what baby calls "sun fadin' ".

The sun and it's harbor
Duel...
They feud for love.
For what releases the deeper
Emotion
The sound of the waves against the rocks
And that of the birds that take flight
Or...
The calm reflection of God's torch set upon the water,
Sparkling safely from a distance?

The sun and it's harbor
Takes the blues
Drowns the blues
Sunbaths the soul
So there aint no more
Blues...
Except for the endless sky
With its slow drifting clouds.

The sun and its harbor
Me and my shoeless woman
Walk along the beaches edge
Holding hands.
Beautiful as she is
I dare not think of what becomes
Of this scene without her.
She sings along with
Natures orchestra
And me...well, I'm always
Of the fondest adoration.

At times...
The sun and its harbor
Got me wondering
"Is it fair?
To always dress up dreams...
To romanticize reality in such a way?"
But a mere second of a moment brings this conclusion
"...to what do I truly care of such introspective questioning?"
I am resting and at ease with
the sun and its harbor.

April 4, 1968 - Hope Dims But Never Dies

"They burnin' and lootin' in my streets
for this is a day of pain!
They burnin' and lootin' in my streets
and I want to go out and do the same!

Mama! Do not hold me back tonight
do not try to make me feel guilty with your tears.

If one man's hateful bullett can erase hope
then let this whole DAMN town burn up in smoke!!!

Yes...this day dreams have been lost.

I once looked to the sky and thought I saw a glimpse of the sun
but I was mistaken...
for our torch bearer has been taken!

So let the night fall on this...our most dreadful of days
and let my fire and rage rise up in a haze.

They burnin' and lootin' in my streets
for this is a day of pain!
They burnin' and lootin' in my streets
and I want to go out and do the same!

Mama... let go of me!
No longer am I a little child
the hour has come for you to release my hand
so I may do my duty as a man!

They come at me with dogs...
they spray me down tryin' so hard to
wash away my dignity.

And all the while I did not fight back
or entertain the idea of losin' hope
love and peace was at the core of my
identity.

BUT NOT THIS DAY!

This day ignites my oppression
my rage will see birth
and grow fast and fierce...spreadin' like
wild fire along the earth!

I am treated like an animal
so I will become an animal!
but not as a mule who is whipped
or a pig that baths in the mud...

BUT A LION!!!!

One that will come hungry
lookin' to crush bones
and devour flesh in ripped pieces!

It will take a mighty force to cage me
for they have takin' hope away
in a blink of an eye.

Mama don't you see I can't stay....I will not STAY!!!"

"Oh my son....my dearest son.

They burnin' and lootin' in our streets
for this is a day of pain.
Yes...they burnin' and lootin' in our streets
but you musn't go and do the same!

I too walk with a heavy heart
my eyes have been veiled all day long
with sorrow...

but death and destruction is the fools way
a man my son has faith in God
to see him through to better days.

Oh hear me my young, strong, dark and beautiful son
yes hate has once again broken our hearts...

but the light only seems dim
it is still burnin' bright...
brighter than it has ever been!
If you will open your eyes and see
that God won't allow death to over-power
you and me.

Dear boy do not follow...
do not let the brothers: EVIL and REVENGE
have their way.
Get down on your knees with me
and let the Lord have the final SAY!!!

For what are marches?
What are speeches?
What are voices lifted up as high as we can?

They are nothin'....
nothin but God's people lettin' Him know to open the gates
cause soon we'll be walkin' through to the
promised LAND!!!

Oh baby...God will provide a way somehow.

If you look in the mirror
and seek to hear His voice
He may be callin' upon you as His
next choice!"

"Mama...

this pain...to go away it will take many nights...
but I will not go out and fight.
Lets pray for you and I...and our people's plight
and thank God
that Dr. King is in His arms
tonight."